WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP!!!

Sunday, 9-19-2004: A crappiful first entry.
... Ok, check this out: I'm at a kickin' frat party up at UMO last night with Phil, having a good time and boozing it up. So far so good! I even get a chance to meet a cute college freshman named Nikki. She actually talks to me and doesn't tell me to get lost. Great! Then she admits she's a New York Yankees fan and she even flips my hat off my head. WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP! I wanted to punch her in her goddamn face, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I really would have liked to deck the broad, but there were too many witnesses and I'm not programmed to hit a lady. Shit like that's just not in the wiring. Besides, maybe she's just misguided and she can be changed. It's like Star Wars. Darth Vader is a fucking asshole bad guy, but Luke sees the good in him and eventually infulences him to be a good guy again. Too bad 5 minutes after Vader finds that path to the promised land he fucking DIES! What a bunch of crap...

So I tell myself "fuck it, everyone gots their flaws. She's cute and drunk and probably horny based on her obviously hard nipples under that skimpy white shirt." I flirt with her some more. I think I might have a chance to get her either to my place or go back to her place so we can get vertical. Only problem: she has her friend and roomate with her, and her friend eventually wanted to leave. WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP! Stupid bitch fuckin up my game, and I don't have much game at all so fucking it up even a little bit is really bad for business.

I ended up leaving without even a little bit of foolig around. No sex, no kisses, no touching, no ballgame. Game over. WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP! I gave her my number, but I didn't get her number because I told her the truth: I probably wouldn't call her anyway.

Rambo's comments on 2-21-14: The very first entry ever on the Crap, birth was given to a monstrosity, and it didn't take long for me to start right in. On the very second paragraph I was writing about how I tried and failed to get tail. Hahahahaha! "She's cute and drunk and probably horny based on her obviously hard nipples under that skimpy white shirt." I actually kinda remember that night! She was wearing a white wife-beater if I recall correctly, which I probably don't. I seriously did tell her that I'd never call her. What a bunch of crap! Hey, at least I was brutally honest.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Friday, 11-12-2004: What the mother-fuck is wrong with women anyway?
I think that if you've made it through the intro pages of this site you have already figured out my main mission: to get pussy. I don't even need lots of pussy either; I know how to keep reality in perspective. I mean, I wouldn't turn down lots of pussy, but I just know I ain't gettin it. I'll settle for the occasional girl who wants to fuck, and after we fuck I want her to get lost and maybe return again only when she is horny. I don't want to fucking cuddle, I don't want to fucking take a girl out to dinner (besides fast food drive-thru), I don't want to buy flowers, and I damn sure DON'T WANT TO DATE NO ONE! I JUST WANT PUSSY!

So I know this girl who shall remain anonymous, and I met her through my sister-in-law. I meet most girls through her because she is totally awesome, and I go through her friends like it's my job. The last three girls I've pokerized have been her friends. Seriously. She hooks me up, and in return I... hmmmm... I, um.... well I'm cool damnit! She hooks me up because she knows I'm fuckin-A. (She also knows how pathetic I am.)

So sis tells me about how much her one friend wants to fuck. I figure no problem, I can handle this mission! However, I'm pretty damn smart (borderline genius) and I had a feeling that I needed to make my intentions clear: I just want to fuck. I told my sis "Make sure your friend knows I am a pathetic piece of shit who only wants to get laid." I really emphasized that point, too. I mean, I hammered the point home. Sis told me "no problem, she also just wants to fuck!" SO FAR SO GOOD! Was I in Heaven? Well there is no god so obviously not, but close enough! Well we all got together Wed. night, and after a few beers she pretty much got me on top of her and said this: "Fuck me so hard, Steve. Fuck me now! FUCK ME NOW, STEVE! FUCK ME NOW! STRADDLE ME!" How could I refuse?

So about 30 seconds later we were done. I was putting my clothes back on, and she said something about wanting to be my girlfriend. (I don't really remember the exact quotes because I was a' boozin, but I can relate the jist of the conversation.) I was astounded. I said "What!? Didn't Cassie tell you that I'm a scumbag, puke piece of shit? I ain't ever dating you!" I know I said much more than that, and I freely used the term "bitch" at least once. My bad. She broke down and started bawling all over the place. She claimed I didn't love her, and I said "You're damn right I don't love you! I've only known you for a frigging week!" It was an ugly scene.

Rambo's comments on 2-21-14: "FUCK ME NOW, STEVE! FUCK ME NOW! STRADDLE ME!" AAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! It's hilarious and again 100% true. That was the living room floor of my brother's old apartment right above the cellar gym. Ahhhh... the memories. Thankfully I've since replaced the carpet.

If I recall conrrectly Doug had a camcorder and was filming the aftermath when the aforementioned girl was bawling all over herself. I wish I could watch that video, but maybe he didn't film it and I'm just remembering something else? I was pretty much laughing at the girl as she had her emotional meltdown. If there is an afterlife then I'm gonna have to bribe St. Peter if I want through the pearly gates. What a bunch of crap!

___________________________________________________________________________________

Thursday, 11-18-2004: And I have lowered the bar yet again.
Thankfully I don't believe in a God, heaven or hell. Good thing because I don't need to live the rest of my life in fear, knowing I've earned myself a one-way ticket to southern and very, very warm climates when I finally kick it over and die. I am a scumbag, and sometimes I do scumbag things. However, I at least donate money to the VFW from time to time so I'd like to think it all balances out. I doubt it does, though. Especially not after my latest antics.

Last night I entered dark territory. I was sitting at home, chatting with a buddy and shovelling in a ham & cheese sandwich when sis messaged me. She said "get over here right now! It's an emercency!" The first thing I thought was my brother had taken a turn for the worse. He's very ill with an infected kidney, liver, and possibly hepatitis in his blood. (That's a bunch of crap right there.) I was about to bolt out the door without hesitation, but I first asked her to clarify the situation. However, she remained ambiguous after she told me Doug was fine, but in bed sleeping. I had no idea what was going on so I just assumed she was drunk. She kept telling me I HAD to go over there and finally she admitted there was a "sexual emergency." After she said that I had a feeling I knew what was going on.

Even though I had a feeling about why she wanted me to go over there, I was totally blown away by what happened next. Turns out her emotional roller-coaster ride of a friend was hanging out with her, and she wanted to fuck. Bad. My initial reaction was "fuck that! I ain't banging you again because last time you got all emotional and wanted me to be your boyfriend and shit." (Sis put her on the computer so I was talking to her by then.) She replied that she was just drunk and would NEVER want to date me. SWEET! After that it got good. I really wasn't going to go fuck her because I thought it was a bad idea, but she started BEGGING! She was so persistent, and when I told her I didn't have a rubber she said "bullshit! You have a bunch of them in your silverware drawer. I saw them when I was there." D'oh! I suck as lying so I usually don't even try because that's what happens. I get busted. I kept thinking of other reasons why I couldn't go over there, but finally I ran out of excuses.

Finally, at 9:15 I went over to complete the transaction. I was home and back in front of my PC by 9:30, ready to play Ages of Empires online with a couple friends. Later that night she sent me a computer message so we chatted briefly. The topic of the chat was so awesome I had to save some of it and put it here (with her name removed for privacy.) The following is pasted on here EXACTLY how it happened. I didn't change wording or anything.

XXXXXXXX: um, so thanks for the sex earlier. i appreciate it
ME : HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
XXXXXXXX: no really
XXXXXXXX: i needed it
ME: thanks for the blowjob. That was nice
XXXXXXXX: no prob
XXXXXXXX: anytime
ME: hahahahaa
XXXXXXXX: and i still dont want to date you in the slightest
ME: sweet!
ME: win-win situation
XXXXXXXX: exactly
XXXXXXXX: we both gain in this situation
ME: hahahahahaha
XXXXXXXX: no really
XXXXXXXX: it works out good
XXXXXXXX: just like a job
XXXXXXXX: it was very businesslike earlier
XXXXXXXX: i like that
XXXXXXXX: no strings attached
XXXXXXXX: just the way i like things
ME: HAHAHAHAHAHA! I'm glad you see it that way. We pokerize then you go your way, I go mine
XXXXXXXX: right. thats the way it should be.
ME: as long as we can each get off from it then it's all good
XXXXXXXX: right!
XXXXXXXX: um so yea we need to have sex again soon though because i like sex pretty much on a daily basis

That last part is so awesome! "I like sex pretty much on a daily basis." Other parts of this chat were equally incredible like "I still don't want to date you in the slightest" and "just like a job." WHY CAN'T ALL WOMEN BE SO CASUAL ABOUT SEX?

You're probably wondering why it took me so long to go over there and get the job done in the first place. Well let me explain. Besides her emotional meltdown from last time, she's pretty young (but legal.) After we conducted our transaction over at my bro's place in the spare bedroom, I had to wait for a minute before I left because her mom was pulling in to pick her up. HER FUCKING MOM CAME TO PICK HER UP AT 9:30 RIGHT AFTER WE GOT DONE FUCKING. WHAT A BUNCH OF CRAP! Furthermore, while we were doing what I do best, sis was on her computer less than 10 feet away in the living room chatting with MY OWN MOTHER! Holy crap, I am such a piece of human trash.

Rambo's comments on 2-21-14: OMG, it's the imfamous most scumbag thing that I've ever done in my life (that I'll publicly admit to doing.) She was only 17 years old and I was 27. Every part of that story is 100% true, too. What a bunch of crap!

I couldn't just post part of that update because the entire thing is infamous. "I really wasn't going to go fuck her because I thought it was a bad idea, but she started BEGGING! She was so persistent, and when I told her I didn't have a rubber she said "bullshit! You have a bunch of them in your silverware drawer." HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! We did have a whole pile of them right by the plastic silverware tray, too. I don't know why we had so many? I sure as hell rarely needed em cause I usually didn't get tail.

I seriously had to wait before I could leave to go back to my own apartment, too. I was just getting ready to pull chocks out of there when I remember seeing the headlights in the driveway. I had to duck down so her mom didn't see me in the window. HAHAHAHAHAHA! There wasn't even any furniture in that spare room either, just a carpeted floor. Tommy moved into that very room at some point not long after that. Hehehehe.

___________________________________________________________________________________

Sunday, 12-19-2004: Trash-Mart!
...On a side rant, why the hell are like two whole aisles and a few island displays devoted to plastic flowers and leaves at department stores? Who buys that shit? When I ran the websites I bought some of that junk for a photoshoot, but I can't think of one other use for it besides cheesy porn prop! Do guys buy those for their swampy, smelly sweathog girlfriends at the local trailer park? I suppose a store like Trash-Mart is a poor man's paradise... I'm a cheap, scumbag, puke piece of shit when it comes to women and I'd still never buy a girl fake flowers! That's just ignorant; it's a bunch of crap! Oh wait, I don't buy girls real flowers either. Funny how most of my "experience" on how to properly win over a lady is really just theory!

Rambo's comments on 2-21-14: "Funny how most of my experience on how to properly win over a lady is really just theory." HAHAHAHAHA! It actually was quite true back then. I almost never went out on a real date; I would just try to "fuck and chuck" from time to time. What a bunch of crap!

The fake flowers still take up most or all of a frigging aisle as Trash-Hole-Mart. WTF, over?

___________________________________________________________________________________

Tuesday, 12-21-2004: Spam
I got this other spam a few days ago that's actually funny since it obviously doesn't apply to me. "You have not tried Cialls yet? Than you cannot even imagine what it is like to be a real man in bed! The thing is that a great errrect1on is provided for you exactIy when you want. Cialls has a lot of advantages over Viaqra- the effect lasts 36 hours! - you are ready to start within just 10 minutes! - you can mix it with alcohoI!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, I can imagine what it feels like to be a real man in bed, thanks anyway. All the ladies can attest to that fact. I'm a fucking jackhammer in bed and I don't need no mystery chemical to prove I can bring the thunda at any time. A great erection anytime I want? Ready to go in just 10 minutes? Gee, thanks for offering me a big pile of nothing. I can pop a woody in like .02 seconds if I think I'm gonna get some, and I sure as hell don't need some pill to make my dick stay hard! Two female tits and a hole are all I need to get a stiffy. I'm pretty goddamn sick of getting crap like this in my email! I usually don't even open this trash, but sometimes I fuck up and I do. My bad!

Rambo's comments on 2-21-14: "I can pop a woody in like .02 seconds if I think I'm gonna get some, and I sure as hell don't need some pill to make my dick stay hard!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Funny that, all these years later, I still get all kinds of similar shit in my junk folder on the Hotmail account. I think they even make Cialis still. Right? What a funny bunch of crap!

"I'm a fucking jackhammer in bed and I don't need no mystery chemical to prove I can bring the thunda at any time." HAHAHAHAHAHA! That would be a slight exaggeration, but a funny one nevertheless!